there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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