Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
