i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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