the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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