I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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