I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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