remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
