just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
