peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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