mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
