i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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