Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
