1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
