i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
