Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
