he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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