it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
