My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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