I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
