Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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