It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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