The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
