You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
