Pants 0. Shit 1.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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