LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I will be naked everywhere
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
