: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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