then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
