YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
