apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
