They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Little spoons don't ask big questions
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
