I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
