It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
