all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
