Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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