yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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