there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
