Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
