im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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