Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
