on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
