it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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