He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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