I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
