At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
