Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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