just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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