i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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