your parents love me but you hate me
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
