Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
