Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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