i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If I die, sorry about rent.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
